Why

            She used to stand in front of the mirror examining her body.  Anyone else would have said she had a good body, tall, thin, beautiful hair; over all she was a very attractive person.

            That’s not what she used to see.  She would look at her huge feet, double sized hips and puny breasts.

            Today is different though.  She is pregnant, she has been for almost four months now.  So now she stands in front of the mirror looking at the changes.

            She places her hand on her stomach.  It is just starting to show the magical existence of another being.  Her breasts have filled out, making them much larger and noticeable than before.  Her hips don’t seem as big anymore either.

            She sits back in the rocking chair her mother gave her.  With her hand still on her stomach, she feels a small twinge in her body.

            She is happy, her body is healthy and she knows this is right.  It feels right!  For the first time in her life her body feels good, it feels comfortable.

            So why does everyone she tells look at her strangely and want her to change?  Why do people whisper behind her back and murmur “poor girl” as she walks by?

            Why does she feel she has misplaced everyone’s trust?  And why do people repeatedly tell her she has no hope, no future, she would have no chance to fulfill her dreams, her goals, or her true potential in life!

            This is what feels right.  After 16 years of feeling out of place, out of balance and uncomfortable.  Why, after finding the internal peace she has longed for, is she going to put an end, as soon as she possibly can.

Gone

            She held the teddy to her cheek, moving it slowly up and down to feel the smoothness of its furry texture rub against her skin.

            It was over.  Nothing she could do now, it was gone.  Tears started to stream down her cheeks, warming her face and leaving the sweet salty taste in her mouth.

            “Why!” she had cried out at the time.  Now the question just echoed in the hollowness of her body.

            Gone, she thought.

            For six days now she has been doing this.  She barely moved from the rocking chair where she sat.  She didn’t even stir to eat; and if she slept it didn’t seem so, because her eyes were always open and gazed at the sky that cried for her.

            The rain had been falling for six days too.  It had just begun as her mom picked her up from the hospital.  It gradually worsened as the car followed the road that led to home.  Once home though, the rain fell just about as hard as hail, and it still hasn’t let up, not even for a minute.

            “It’s best this way,” she remembered her mom saying as they pulled into the driveway of the house.  She recalled herself wondering, “How can this be best?”

            “Soon you’ll feel better,” her mother soothed.

            What’s the use?  Life would always feel different.  No matter how hard she’d try, she would always feel hollow! 

            She couldn’t go back to school, lose herself in work, but every time she turned around she would see it: the dark black emptiness that would remind her that it’s gone, over!

            Even if she were to try again, it wouldn’t be the same.  It would never be this, and it would only remind her of now.

            She knew that sometime soon she would have to continue with her life.  She would have to pick up where she had left off.  Maybe tomorrow she would get up and brush her teeth, maybe take a bath and then she’d eat.  That seemed so far away from her right now!

            So tomorrow she’ll go back.  Back to life, back to the living.  But for today she would sit and feel the smoothness of her teddy and the warmth of her tears.